I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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