I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
