do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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