I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
