she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
