don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
