It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My vagina is officially offended.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
