Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
