allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
false alarm. still invincible.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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