hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
