You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
