Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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