im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
