I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
