She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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