He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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