I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
