you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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