How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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