he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
