the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
