So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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