She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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