Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep