its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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