you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
