I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
