today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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