I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
