i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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