Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
