my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
