Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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