Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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