No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
