I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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