I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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