my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
