My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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