yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
