Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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