Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
