You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
