Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize