I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
