god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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