Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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