My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
