Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
