I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
