WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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