hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
