A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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