And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
